A Simple Tool

This is epically fucked up…thank God this guy is gone in like three months.

Father First, Senator Second (Washington Post)

In his Senate office, on a shelf next to an autographed baseball, Sen. Rick Santorum keeps a framed photo of his son Gabriel Michael, the fourth of his seven children. Named for two archangels, Gabriel Michael was born prematurely, at 20 weeks, on Oct. 11, 1996, and lived two hours outside the womb.

Upon their son’s death, Rick and Karen Santorum opted not to bring his body to a funeral home. Instead, they bundled him in a blanket and drove him to Karen’s parents’ home in Pittsburgh. There, they spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel with his three siblings, ages 6, 4 and 1 1/2. They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass.

“That’s my little guy,” Santorum says, pointing to the photo of Gabriel, in which his tiny physique is framed by his father’s hand. The senator often speaks of his late son in the present tense. It is a rare instance in which he talks softly.

He and Karen brought Gabriel’s body home so their children could “absorb and understand that they had a brother,” Santorum says. “We wanted them to see that he was real,” not an abstraction, he says. Not a “fetus,” either, as Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described — “a 20-week-old fetus” — on a hospital form. They changed the form to read “20-week-old baby.”

I spend more time on apple.com/trailers than I do picturing Dan naked. Current recommended trailers:

Wedge’s thoughts in Italics

Children of Men – a nice gritty quasi-sci-fi, makes me grateful for how many Mexican hookers I’ve knocked up

Renaissance – more sci-fi action with Sin City technology

I thought this one looked interesting too, however, the whole Sin City-eque black and white cgi effects look a little too extreme.  I’m kinda souring on the whole live actors/cgi thing…it looked good in Sin City but it’s pretty hard to pull of effectively, we’ll have to wait and see.

The Fountain – Darren A.’s epic, looks ridiculously weird

Looks awesome..On the other hand, this seems like one of those movies that you’re all pumped for and then it’s horrendous, like cool premise visually inventive but may be utter crap.  Fingers crossed.

Casino Royale – Me likely James Bond

Agree.  I had a discussion with a (female) friend about how she didn’t like the new James Bond because he wasn’t “hot enough”.  This made me irate, I kind of like the idea of a more rough and tumble Bond, who can still score chicks but isn’t some Roger Moore pretty boy.  Plus, Daniel Craig was good in both Munich and Layer Cake so I have high hopes.  As long as they don’t try to put some woman spy in there with Bond, ala Halle Barry (god do I loathe her).  Nothing against sexy woman spies, but Bond should not have some equal partner, who we focus on just about as much, he’s fucking James Bond. 

The Prestige – probably most promising of the bunch, great actors, great writer and director, cool idea, but it’s weird that there are 2 1800ish magician movies being previewed at once (Illusionist doesn’t look as good)

I actually read the book that the movie is based on and thought it was pretty good.  Plus Christian Bale is the man.  Also, I thought the Illusionist didn’t look that bad, maybe I’m just an 1800s magic fan.

Comments, Daniel? Additional suggestions?

Trailers Donnie Missed:

Spiderman 3: I am shocked you forgot this, VENOM man! VENOM!  Sam Raimi rules.

The Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford: I like westerns and there are far too few made today.  Plus Brad Pitt tends to pick decent projects and is a pretty good actor.

Crank:  Transporter 2 number 2?  Looks like some good brainless fun.

You want some fucking movie reviews?  Fine.  But they’re going to be belligerent.

Clerks 2 – Funny.  More?  Fine.  Kevin Smith’s vulgar yet believable banter is hilarious.  Most of the other elements of the movie aren’t as great, but lucky for us the fantastic arguments about ass-to-mouth and porchmonkies make up the majority of the film.  Whenever Smith tries to be serious, he becomes both unoriginal and uninteresting.  He picks the cheesiest accompanying music, he dramatically pans from solemn face to solemn face, and oh look, the little girl waves through the window at a forlorn Dante.  Lame.  But then donkey-fucking returns and all is good again.  I’m too lazy to look up the actors’ real names, but Dante still acts as poorly as he did in the first one (his line delivery makes me want to beat him in the head with the cue cards he’s reading off of), but this is entirely made up for by the great job done by Randall.  The supporting cast is pretty solid too, except for creepy Mrs. Kevin Smith.  All in all, I liked the movie a lot.  Instead of just rehashing itself, it took the time to legitimately try to see how these people would be (marginally) different several years down the road.  And if you came to the movie for any other reason that uproarious dialogue, you’re an idiot.

Aeon Flux – I don’t know how this movie ended up in my house, but I woke up this morning and it was on the table.  So I watched it.  I won’t bother you with things such as plot, acting, or the like as it’s all as you’d expect.  It’s got your run-of-the-mill tragedy, love, twist, and final stand.  The only thing that really gives it any merit at all is its attempt to be creative.  Some of the stuff is actually pretty cool: the lady with hands for feet, pills to give you messages or missions within your brain, little explosive marbles, etc.  But the action isn’t all that exciting and “themes” or any semblance of deeper meaning is come across as more retarded than the kid who lives down the street from me and eats his hat.  Ultimately I wish this movie had been worse.  If it had been shittier it could have been a great B-movie (dare I say a Starship Troopers), but as it is it’s a ho-hum forgettable sci-fi flick.  Much like my sex life.  Well, minus the sci-fi and flick part.

After three rentals and roughly 11 billion dollars in late fees I finally watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang again. It was hilarious. I also realized that I didn’t remember a single important plot-point or joke from the first time I watched it. Don’t drink kids. Highly Recommended.

The following is an example of funny (for a similar example see Donnies comments on the film in a previous post):

Perry: Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you’ll find?
Harry: A picture of me?
Perry: No! The definition of idiot. Which you fucking are!

Second in my dark comedy/neo noir kick I also rewatched The Ice Harvest, which I had seen in theaters. I enjoyed it a lot although Kiss Kiss kinda does the genre a little better but they make a good 1-2 combo, just watch The Ice Harvest, which is a little darker and not as funny, first and you’re set.

also

Clerks 2

Ugh, brain freeze. I think I started my vacation a couple hours early, or maybe it’s the drugs (of course since I’m sitting at work and stone sober in every respect this seems impossible) who knows? Anyhoo, excellent movie, I’ll write a full review later in the week and post it…or Donnie can write one since he watched it with me and doesn’t post enough to satisfy my needs.

Finally, according to WordPress someone reached the blog by searching for “free kiddy porn.” I’m not sure how this makes me feel, so I’m going to go with turned on.

So you’re probably thinking to yourself:  Wedge do you do anything besides watch movies?  Are you planning on writing anything in this blog that’s not a movie review?  and did you ever get that rash checked out?

The answers are yes, yes, and no

That being said, here’s a movie review!

In the Company of Men

Two men (Chad and Howard played by Aaron Eckhart and Matt Malloy respectively), tired of being hurt by women, decide to find a vulnerable woman, romance her up, and then rip the rug out from under her just to see her suffer.  Quite sadistic eh?  Even better(worse), they decide to do it to a deaf chick.  Unsurprisingly, one of the guys, Howard, actually falls for her, while she falls for the other guy.  Hilarity (well, depression and misery for everyone but Chad) ensues.

This movie is dark.  Beyond the plot itself, director Neil LaBute crafts a world around his characters reminiscent of the dismal office in Glengarry Glen Ross.  The half-complete office in an unidentified city and the transitory nature of Chad and Howard’s work (they’re only in town for 6 weeks to set up a new branch and it’s never actually clear what they actually do) work well to create an air of unreality about the two’s scheme, as if the hurt they inflict on their victim is simply a sidebar to normal life.

Past the plot and setting and whatnot, Aaron Eckhart is fantastic as Chad, who is in every respect an utter scumball, almost a more morally bankrupt extension of his role in Thank You for Smoking.  Malloy is tremendously awkward, which is perfect for the role.  Despite the quality of the acting, the film takes a while to build up steam and the fracture chronology makes it easy to get lost.  However, on the whole I recomend it.  Worth a rental.

Now speaking of movies that suck ass…..Derailed

I’m not actually going to write a true review for this but I’ll just say that the characters in this movie, particularly Clive Owen, were written as the most moronic people I’ve seen in any recent film.  Virtually every problem in the film could have been avoided or resolved if Clive Owen had just gone to the damn police.  Also Jennifer Aniston is a terrible actress.  I have no idea where the idea that she had any talent came from, it appears to have been generated by female journalists following the whole Brad Pitt-break-up thing, whatever.  Suffice to say this movie made me want to punch things, like the screenwriter.

Take THAT people with horrible diseases!

Sorry Billy, daddy has to die because the president doesn’t understand science.

It goes like this: If you love comedy, watch The Aristocrats – if you love comedies, you might want to steer clear. It’s a comedy for comedians. There are no laughs in the traditional sense; instead we get somewhere around 100 comedians all riffing on the same classic dirty joke, discussing notions of “shockability,” improvisation, and censorship while simultaneously trying to see who can tell the dirtiest or most original version of said, virtually punchline-less, joke. The movie is made in a remarkably straightforward manner. It is presented as simply a series of interviews, with barely any editing and no effects. This format may come across as startlingly boring after seeing complexly edited documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11 or Murderball. Still, I found what this huge collection of new and old comedians had to say fascinating, but I might be a niche audience – I like comedy almost as much as I like kiddy porn (read: a lot). And Bob Saget, who clearly takes the cake for grossest, is amazing. I would have watched Full House if he had a mouth like that on it (tip – watch it on DVD and see his full bit).

Wedge’s Thoughts:

1.)  Gilbert Gottfried’s “Now perhaps you’re wondering where all the blood came from….” bit was possibly the funniest thing I have ever encountered in my entire life.

2.)  The only thing I didn’t like about the movie was the air of superiority that seemed to creep in about 2/3rds of the way through.  There was nothing that I can definitively point to and say “there that was prickish” but, nonetheless, it felt like a good number of the participants were taking themselves far too seriously.

And a recommendation:

The Outdoorsmen.  Basically there’s a group of guys in Washington who travel into the wilderness once a year to participate in a bunch of events and drink shit-tons of beer.  Some of the games are pretty damn hilarious, notably Blind Man’s Beer, and the whole male bonding aspect is interesting as well.  Certainly worth a rental.

For I have seen the Pirates of the Caribean and the verdict is……meh

The most common complaint about Pirates seems to be that the movie contains too much action and not enough character development, and furthermore that the characters themselves (Notably Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley) are dull. While I found the movie underwhelming, I disagree with both of these criticisms.

First off, Orlando Bloom’s character isn’t supposed to be terribly compelling; he’s the straight man to Depp. He just needs to serve as a counterpart to the kookiness and get the girl at the end. The problem lies in the fact that the movie doesn’t allow Bloom to do this, instead separating the two for virtually the entire film. The movie also fails to use the possibilities inherent in the Norrington-Bloom-Knighley-Depp quadrilateral to its fullest effect.

In terms of the actions within the film, the problem, in my eyes, is not that there is too much action rather that the action is the wrong kind. Instead of good old-fashioned swashbuckling, we get a variety of outlandish stunts that seem more concerened with being over-the-top than actually making sense or looking cool (how many times do we need to see people in something circular getting rolled all over the place?). If you go back and watch the first movie you’ll notice a much different tone in the action.

Although I’ve leveled a lot of criticism at Pirates, it’s not actually that bad of a movie, certainly worth a rental. The special effects are pretty sweet and Depp is, as always, amusing. Davy Jones and his fish people are also rather well done, although not as distinctive as the skeletal crew from the first film, mostly due to the fact that they get less screen time and, well, are fish people. On the whole, the movie is well done as well with some cool sets, notably the voodoo ladies hut, and Verbinski is certainly a fine director (The Weather Man was quite good). However, as someone who loves movies about the Age of Sail (Master and Commander = teh 1337 r0×0r) I wanted more. The movie just seems to be missing something.

Although I have to say any movie that features my favorite monster, the Kraken, gets bonus points from me.

In the brief shining moments when sobriety and free time have reared their head among the rampant -isms of the summer (as in alcoholism and playing frisbee-ism and striking out with girls-ism…OK I just realized that there is actually only one -ism but I think my point is evident), I have had the opportunity to watch a number of movies which I will now give brief reviews (in basically reverse order of when I saw them) And before I forget, one time I had sex with a guinea pig:
The Killing

The Killing was Stanley Kubrick’s first “important” film and despite the fact that I’m not really that big of a fan of Kubrick, although I like some of his movies namely Paths of Glory and The Shining, I felt obligated to pick this one up because I like film noir and, well, I had a free rental.

The basic plot of the movie concerns Sterling Hayden’s Johnny, whose just been released from prison, planning to rob a racetrack of 2 million dollars. To this end, he assembles a motley crew consisting of a bartender, a clerk at the track, a cop, a crack riflemen (who is really one of the coolest characters in the movie), and a boxer-type (also great in a small roll) in order to pull of the elaborate scheme. Things fall apart, however, because of the clerk’s femme fatale wife and her boyfriend and everyone essentially ends up dead. The lesson as always is: don’t trust women. In all the plot is fairly standard as noir goes but all the actors are good and Kubrick ratchets up the atmosphere with some great use of shadow/light and some ahead of it’s time non-linear storytelling, which is reminiscent of films such as Resevoir Dogs. In fact, Tarantino apparently drew a good bit of inspiration from The Killing for his works.

Anyway, highly recommended, especially if you’re a fan of Kubrick or film noir. gets about an 8 on the wedge-o-meter 6000

Seeing Other People

Wow, this movie ruled, despite the fact that I had never heard of it before Pin Tao and Lefty stumbled upon it on Sundance while drunk one night at like two A.M. Based on that drunken encounter we picked up the movie at Bart and Greg’s for some pre-party entertainment and loved it. In the movie Jay Mohr and Julianne Nicholson (who I don’t really know but was tres cute) play one of those cutsey-wootsey couples that we all hate who are about to get married after five years together. However, the wife-to-be decides that, since this is her last chance to sow her wild oats, they should see other people before the wedding. Hilarity, well for us not for them, ensues. Andy Richter and Josh Charles (from Sports Night) are great as Mohr’s buddies and the rest of the supporting cast (Lauren Graham and the dad from Malcolm in the Middle in particular) are good as well. All in all, if you like dark comedies or have an offensive sense of humor this movie is perfect, another 8 on the wedge-o-meter, which since I kind of hate giving quantifiable numbers when rating things I am now retiring for the remainder of this post.

The Matador

Pierce Brosnan kicks ass. I feel like this is something that I’ve always known but only recently become fully aware of mainly due to his character, Julian, in this movie. Julian’s a hitman with a mid-life crisis who loves drinking and sleeping with everything over the age of 14 with breasts. This is essentially what I would like to become when I grow up, except for the mid-life crisis hitman part. Despite the awesomeness of Julian’s lifestyle, he has no friends and therefore finds himself drawn towards Greg Kinnear’s Danny Wright, a downtrodden businessman. They become friends and hilarity ensues. In the vein of Seeing Other People, The Matador is darkly hilarious and smart. Brosnan gets to deliver some amazing lines throughout the film, for example this exchange:

Julian Noble: Margaritas always taste better in Mexico.
Danny Wright: Yes they do.
Julian Noble: Margaritas and cock

which, in context, is one of the funniest things I’ve seen on film since…well since I watched Seeing Other People last week, but still.

Right, rent this movie.

Superman Returns

OK first things first, I loath Superman. He is the absolute worst superhero in the known universe…So his power is what? That he is invulnerable to everything but an extraordinary rare element, he can do virtually everything (including turn back time) and his disguise is putting on glasses? So essentially, he’s a personified Deus Ex Machina. Boo-erns, I say. Superheroes need vulnerabilities or they’re boring and lame, much like Superman. However I liked this movie, Brian Singer is a great director and he does an excellent job.

This biggest complaint I’ve heard thus far about the movie was that Kate Bosworth sucks as Lois Lane. My response to this is who gives a shit? It’s not Lois Lane Returns it’s Superman Returns…doesn’t Lois just need to be pretty? Anyway, the action sequences are great, Kevin Spacey is great ( I need to find a new adjective) etc…well worth the price of a ticket.

Donnie Edit:

For me, despite Singer’s best efforts, Superman’s invulnerability still ruins the movie. We see him recover with equal rapidity from two near-death moments without explanation. We see him strain to lift a plane and later strain equally to lift an island. And it just doesn’t feel remarkable, because as far as we know Superman has no limit. It’s not exciting because theoretically he can just keep straining a little harder to lift a continent, or maybe the whole fucking planet. Also, the villainous plot kind of blows. I think they could have done better than the world’s ugliest real estate (you could put a lovely Tudor mansion here on this inhospitable barren husk, and the kids could put their swingset between those two giant razor-sharp crystals). Finally, there are too many unfinished threads (X3 all over again) – more about the kid? more about what he found when he went to Krypton? Is it sad that my spellcheck didn’t say anything about the word Krypton?

As for actors, I thought Superman did a great job, with a hint of pettiness and a glossy unreality to him. Spacey had moments of greatness, but too much of his performance seemed dialed-in. And if I could choke Parker Posey to death with my belt without repercussions, I would. PS, what is Kumar doing in the movie? And I have to hand it to James Marsden for being completely typecast as the good-guy-alternative, as Cyclops in X-Men, then in The Notebook (I saw it under duress), and now as Lois’s husband in Superman. Guy’s got a real niche.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

So late one Thursday night after imbibing an appropriately heroic amount of whiskey, I realized that this was due at Bart and Greg’s the next day and that I, therefore, needed to watch it in order to avoid the fine. However, watching a movie while essentially black-out drunk at 2 in the morning is not conducive to a review. Let’s just say that I was left with an impression of this movie being good without being able to tell you anything about it other then that Val Kimer played a gay dude and Robert Downey Jr. is a good actor. So go watch it.

Donnie Edit:Due to Dan’s lackluster lucidity, I think he might have underrepresented the merits of this movie. It’s hilarious. Want proof? Here’s some dialogue:

Harry: I’ve got five bucks says you can win him back.
Perry: Really? I’ve got ten that says I can’t. I’ve got a nickel that says pepper.

Harry: What?

Perry: Talking money.

Harry: A talking monkey?
Perry: Yeah, a talking monkey. Comes from the future. Nasty bugger, only says one word – fichus.

So go see it.